Resolving Differences

1. Most men try to fix things while the room’s still on fire. Japanese couples do the opposite. They sit through the tension. They call it ma. It’s a deliberate silence that lets your body settle down before you speak. A Tokyo counselor told me, ‘We resolve emotion after the spike.’ You simply can’t fix a conflict while your brain’s in alarm mode.

2. When you argue, your bodies sync up in a stressful way. Heart rates and cortisol levels mirror each other perfectly. Talking in this state’s a trap because you’re not physically able to think clearly yet. Research shows 7 minutes of shared stillness drops stress back to normal. That’s how you lead the interaction instead of just reacting to her.

3. One husband saved his marriage by quitting the habit of defending himself. He started sitting in silence for 3 minutes before every single tough talk. No phones. No eye contact. He realized he’d spent years preparing his next argument instead of actually listening. The stillness took away his need to be right. It let him finally hear the pain behind her words.

4. When things get heavy, don’t justify yourself. Don’t start explaining your side. Just say: ‘Let’s take three minutes of ma.’ Sit there together until your breathing matches up and the tension breaks. This habit can cut recurring fights by 61 percent. It’s a shield. It keeps your bond safe from your own worst impulses in the heat of the moment.

Also the Japanese Bushido Code of Key Virtues and Core Principles could be helpful;  Based on Nitobe Inazo’s interpretation, the seven, sometimes eight, key virtues are: 
  
(Gi) – Rectitude/Justice: The ability to decide upon a course of conduct in accordance with (truth) reason, without wavering.   
(Yū) – Courage: Acting with intensity and bravery, overcoming fear.   
(Jin) – Benevolence/Compassion: To show mercy and care for others, especially the weak.   
(Rei) – Respect/Politeness: Proper etiquette and treating others with dignity.   
(Makoto) – Honesty/Sincerity: True, undivided integrity; one’s word is absolute.    
(Meiyo) – Honor: A vivid consciousness of personal dignity and worth; a fate worse than death.    (Chūgi) – Loyalty: Deep, unwavering devotion to one’s master or lord.    
(Jisei) – Self-Control: Maintaining composure, discipline, and high moral standards. 

It is amazing to me as to how close the Bushido Code is to the 10 Commandments. Seems this could be a good door to use to help unlock the Japanese mind from trying to please the ancestors?  And to encourage people to spend more time considering than in reacting.

Of course, the letter of the LAW, kills: It is the Spirit (LOVE) that gives life and makes it work.  Jesus switched the motivation for our needed change from fear to love.   Love is far stronger in helping us choose to change to become in the image of our Creator, 1 John 4:16-17.

Yours, in HIS great love, grace & mercy, Pastor Ken <><   www.Trinity-Aloha.org